You thought it was all God's work? Think again. What was Mrs. God doing all this time? This is the inside story from the moment the fuse was lit, the balloon went up, the BIG BANG! You didn't seriously imagine that a mere male could manage all that on His Own, what with adding light, seas and land, creepy-crawlies, elephants? Did He listen? Not all the time. Not often enough.
Peter Scott, founder of Slimbridge, used to sneak off when he was an undergraduate to go punt-gunning. Not many people know that. Not many people know about punt-gunning, a fiercesome sport that Scott lived to regret even though he never, to my knowledge, anchored his punt to a pair of human legs sticking out of the mud. Legs are an exaggeration. They were exposed from the knees up, feet sticking out to form a bollard, irresistible to any punt-gunner and proof of the old adage: if you want to dispose of a body from a great height, do not be tempted by soft mud.I used the plural form of the word bollard because it sounds a bit rude and tempting.
Pushkin, Conrad, Ridley Scott and yours truly. What more could anyone ask? I have tried to evoke the atmosphere of Scott's masterpiece "The Duellists", a film that derives from a Conrad short story but the story of a delayed duel and delayed revenge comes from Pushkin, a man who knew all there is to know about duels.
This fantasy is very rude and ought not to be allowed. My therapist was large and jolly and unable to take herself seriously. This may have had something to do with being Irish and having a husband who found (hopefully still finds) her therapeutic methods (he called them tricks) hilarious. She tried them all on me. Whether she succeeded I leave it to others to decide but we never discussed and, as far as I know she never tried, hypnotism.
This story should not fall into the hands of servants, the young or any other members of the impressionable classes and should only be read before the nine o'clock watershed under exceptional circumstances.
